This song. I mean, just the beginning is enough…..It’s kind of my theme song. And I listen to it a lot, by choice and otherwise. I have a rule against changing it. It’s like a creepy unrequited love song if you really listen. And it talks about a “car crash of a heart” which seems kind of appropriate personally. Here is a pretty awesome live version as well. Oh, it’s Butch Walker- Mixtape from the album Letters…..Maybe I just love that it talks about the car crash of a heart and about getting messed up and listening to a mixtape. Sorry, other generations, but for us, they kind of meant something.
Ugh. I hate how much I like Lost Girl. Does that mean something?
I mean , I really love this show and my only hope is that it lives because it’s on syfy. Bo is really the best, so androgynous she makes me think. But not long, I mean LOOK at her. I love her the best, but I also love the hot version of Chris Martin (Dyson) AND I love the friendship w/Bo and Kenzie. Write this down (do people still do that?) because I am giving in to this.
Anyway, I am totally (trying not to abbreviate, you jerky treat) so on board with this channel right now. Between the glorious cast of the U.S. Being Human, the amazingness of Amanda Tapping and her crew on Sanctuary (OMG I love that show), I am becoming a total geek. Who knew? Anyway these shows are alike (also Alphas on syfy) in that they feature badass chicks. I never thought about it before. But now I did. And that is a thing. It’s not totally about syfy, but more about me liking girls kicking ass. I am still no bisexual you dirty boys. I just like watching girls kick ass.
“The smartphone-toting, social-networking crowds often overwhelm cellular networks in the area, creating a market that BBH Labs hoped to serve with the “Homeless Hotspots” project, which it called a “charitable experiment.” It paid each participant $20 a day, and they were also…
This is still fucking astounding. Seriously? $20 for people?
It's weird when I feel like I can't write about something.
Seriously. For me, a friend summed it up today. Tumblr is somehow my diary (I know it’s public, jackass) and if I talk about something, it’s not personal. I kind of consider it private. Because I am working it out. By myself. It’s a thing for me. I am so used to no one reading anything that I write, that I write what I want, and it’s how I work absolutely everything out. I was talking to another friend tonight and he echoed the sentiment I feel like most people know about me. I write in a crazy dramatic way and as soon as I write it, I am over it. Obviously, that doesn’t apply to everything, but right now I can’t think of something to which it doesn’t apply, right?
I write things to get rid of them, kind of like exorcising little demons (which made me picture the little baby dragons from GoT for some reason, weird). It’s so easy. I am not an uptight, neurotic or a crazy person (you can suck it for real if you think so. AND I know who you are). I just like to do things the way that makes me able to put shit behind me and move on. If you think I am talking about you, I am not. It’s about me, this tumblr, and you might get a mention, or cause an effect, but this is my place and it is the one place that feels like only my shit matters. So, if you are offended, get out of my diary already because no one invited you.
This goes under: Things I would do for my animals but probably not any humans.
Seriously, the stuff I give my animals for lunch is disgusting. Dogs=raw chicken wings And they are super gross when I get them at the local $$ grocery store, already smelly when I get them. Now I can’t go to the local butcher because, in general, gross, but the other day i saw them pushing out a HUGE trashcan of bloody bones. Big femurs and stuff, the dogs went NUTS of course. But oh my gosh, I was telling my friend about it and I literally (I know, it’s dramatic) was so on the edge of dry heaving it was ridiculous. And I walked by once since then and it started all over. Bucket of bloody bones. So not cool. I have always sworn they either kill the animals or at least chop them up in the basement. Score one point for my usually ridiculous imagination because I view this as PROOF I was right all along….
And the cats have either tuna, sardines (gag) or salmon and I have to hold my breath like a little baby when I feed them. Nasty nastiness that is nasty. Here is a lovely image to illustrate how dedicated I am to the beasts. A human person that was a guy would have to be pretty amazing for me to do this for them. Not like it couldn’t happen, but it would require excellence in other areas. Real excellence. I don’t meat (keeping that typo) many guys that excellent. True love=me handling meat. Take it either/both ways, dirty birdies, because that is how I meant it.
If I were independently wealthy, that is. All I’ve really gotten done is pay bills. Went out yesterday afternoon/evening to get a quick drink with my friend who was out of town. Well, we definitely made a whole night of it. Woke up late because of Daylight Stupid time (see? no creativity available). I made myself get dressed to run, mainly because I would live in running pants if I could. Or maybe I already kind of do? Whatever. I bribed myself, planning to go only like 5K to get Trixie a little more exercise and make sure I could sleep tonight. I didn’t run yesterday because I really didn’t sleep much Saturday night. Working on my filter, so I guess leave it at that? So boring.
My point was, I still couldn’t sleep last night after a variety of very strong beers and no sleep the night before because I didn’t run yesterday, first day off in a couple weeks. And then to the eventual point that we ended up going over 6 miles and doing my pushups for my lame version of the challenge. And now it’s time to go out for lunch walk with our homies. Thank god I updated about my running. So productive. Ugh. Here’s Trix at our turnaround point.
“Try not to be too swayed by your emotions today, KAT. You might find yourself into a great deal of trouble if you get carried away with a drama that really doesn’t pertain to you in any way. It could be that your connection to other people’s feelings is sucking you into a maelstrom of turmoil. Keep in mind that your imagination is your life raft. Do what you can to distance yourself from the emotional trauma that surrounds you.”—Yikes! I am not leaving the house. Emotional trauma? Dude. Maelstroms are never good either.
I watched it last night. It was pretty painful and awkward to watch. I actually muted one scene because I was so uncomfortable. Anyone who has seen it knows exactly when I muted. I hated hating Elizabeth Reaser too. But I felt like I had to. And honestly, although the end seemed so simple and kind of quick, I completely agreed with it. Charlize Theron is beyond amazing in so many ways. Not mentioning (obviously I am) her new pit bull, that ho rocks and Patton Oswalt was also fairly incredible. I think maybe I related to Charlize’s character more than I felt like I should, but hopefully that was just her greatness and not me trying to grab some of my high school experience, cause it wasn’t exactly great hanging with the sistas. I just wasn’t that girl in high school, but I also wasn’t totally not that girl either. You know? Anyway, first movie in a long time that was exactly as good as I thought it would be. (Unfortunately, I do not agree with my boy Tom and his love of that snoozefest of pretentious trying too hard I like to call Drive.)
Hilarious dream and awesome race speed run. Pretty great AM.
Real quick about the dream, it’s so stupid. I woke up at 5 and really didn’t want to get up. Guess I fell back to sleep, because next thing you know, I was hunting with Sam and Dean. Although Dean and I had obvious sexual tension (soulmates I think, lol), I was cool with his skanky behavior with some hos (yeah right). Sam and I were like the very best of besties. I was totally their equal partner with all this knowledge and pretty kickass ganking skills. In the dream, the only realistic part was when we were comparing senses of humor and I said I was in the 13-14 y.o. range, just like Dean. How is this detailed dream even possible? Drugs? No clue, but it was hilarious and very awesome. Back to the real. (yawwwnnn)
So, the run was better than great. I was just going to take it super easy because of the 7.5 miles yesterday. Like a gentle 3 with some speed intervals. Nope. Next thing you know, we were at boathouse row and then easy to the back of the Art Museum. From there, not sure how it happened but we did a sick race pace from the Art Museum all the way down the path and back to 23rd and Lombard, like so solid, uphill and downhill. I didn’t know I could do it that far that fast or that Trix could be so focused. I felt like I was flying and could feel every muscle working, but not in a bad way.
Now, I think the reason I can go so hard on days after being in pain is that it is super cold. So, the pain in my right hip, my braced left knee (both of which are totally tolerable anyway after the first mile) and my excruciating left toe all get so cold during my first walk (because we go so slow with the old guy) that I don’t feel anything until after I defrost in the shower, post run. So now? Very painful. I don’t know what to do for it. It’s the toe I hurt in the marathon. WTF? A toe injury? That is so not hard core OR badass, that I don’t know how to react. But it hurts like a mother and it has (SORRY) no nail already from the marathon so I think it is more vulnerable? Is that a thing that is possible? Sometimes it’s so obvious that I just started running last year. Like the other day I told someone I was working on my splits when they asked about speed. I have no idea what that means, but I can always say I meant my flexibility or something.
Ugh, only like 8 hours of work today. I need some new music for real. And I got the email that I got paid yesterday! Yay! Still not in my account, so fucked, probably til Monday when of course I will get paid both my check and for the stupid ebook. Dogs were psyched. We’re out of eggs so they had nearly raw ground turkey for breakfast. So gross. But good for them. Still gross.
Well, I have to end it with one of my secretly favorite guys. It’s been a while too, like 9 years. It started with just one song and two brothers who played basketball. And a bridge or something? Then last year with the mugging and taxi run over and all, we got through it. And then I loved the new song for real…..Anyway. I can forgive a lot. DWTS is not among what I can accept, forgive, tolerate, any of it. Loved you long time G. As soon as that show starts, we end.
Seriously, why did I ever stop going this far? Probably because I don’t usually get up at 5. Either way, i just wanted to get over 5 miles today. And I did. So excited. My feet are not. I am planting my left weird and my toes kill. But we really were pretty badass today, all of my speed work has really paid off. And we didn’t really stop. We paused at the top of the Art Museum steps. We paused for a sec here to turnaround and check time and distance.
And then we stopped for a sec at the Waterworks on the way back to grab a stick. And my average time was still kickass. Here’s the stick stop.
Better than average morning. It was so great. Stress is gone for now and everything feels amazing. Hopefully it won’t hit me for a while that I got up at 5 am.
Had a sick run today. So, no horoscope. You're welcome.
My horoscope was too dependent on me having behaved properly and done work this week, so I am screwed today I guess. We did a decent run yesterday and I don’t want to burn out, but I still want to work on speed endurance. Also, I finally started setting an alarm. Figure it will get exponentially easier next week because I always get up with the light. Anyway, we did a crazy incredible speed interval run today. Like flying so fast I was scared how hard I would fall. I wasn’t timing them or going by distance. Just going as hard as possible for as long as possible. After a .5 mile warmup, we did 3.5 more miles of seriously insane sprints. I got faint a couple times, which in my weird brain means we were killing it.
At one part of the route, we get off the river path and go up the steps (kill) to 30th St. Station. From there, it is a completely open and unbroken stretch to 20th street on JFK. The commuters are all on the south side, so it is totally open road on the north, no bikers, no other dogs, normal pace runners, fucking roller bladers (Trixie freaks out!) and you can go as hard as you can as long as you can. Trixie was ON today too. We had played soccer at the park with Rocky first, so she was kind of in the zone sooner. She never stopped me or slowed down. By the time I got to 20th street, my whole body was spent. That is seriously the best feeling. I think when you are in pretty good shape, it can be hard to get to that point. For me, it’s the feeling I get at like 10 miles usually, where every muscle in you body is pushing you forward. I swear there is nothing like it. (Almost) I forgot how much I love being so tired and achey from real training. I do love it more than anything.
Then we we jogged for a little and had a couple more pretty killer sprints down Chestnut. Surprisingly, it was open enough. The whole thing was awesome. And I was super worried because I had to start wearing my knee brace and it didn’t slow me down at all. Although right now my knee is ON FIRE. So, that’s not great and I am sure it will hurt like a mother later. But I did all of my pushups for the challenge, but for some reason they were harder than usual. Maybe because I have been doing other things I haven’t in long time? I am not sure how my other activities are affecting my workout. But I am not going to stop either, for sure. (like my special night time relaxing stuff either, because I slept well last night) Then I had vinegar water, lemon water, orange juice, espresso with almond milk and now moving to iced tea. Oh- and a fake bologna sandwich with red pepper tomato and lettuce on oat bread. Not the greatest healthwise, but awesome and high in protein.
My next big goal is salt. I bet if I just minimized salt I would lose, no joke, 10 pounds and like a size in a week. I eat so much salt on everything it disgusts even me. And I would be way more freaking hydrated too. Or would I then have to worry about hyponatremia? Mom, did you hear that? She used to literally hide all the salt from me in the house growing up. I was like way cracky about it. But alas, my mom will not read this because she is scurrrred. My dad does sometimes, but my mom thinks I come here to curse and I guess say embarrassing things (probably). I think she is still getting to know the internets because that is kind of the whole purpose, right? Besides googling stuff? Now, I am really screwed for the day. Not literally unfortunately, but with way too much work. Good start should help?
Quick poll. Write what you know is a thing, right? Are there limits? Do blocks negate the limits?
Okay, so it’s common knowledge to like everyone that writers write about everything. Right? Isn’t it? Like comedians, no one is off limits and all? Isn’t that a thing? The main thing you read over and over is “write what you know.” Pretty fucking trite, yes. Also pretty fucking right. It’s seems logical and victimless. But what if what you write about is disappointment, failure and/or wrongdoing. There is going to be someone you know involved 99.9% of the time. What happens to them? All of the names are changed. Does that make them care less? Are they cool with it? Do you care? I care. But if you stop and ask for permission, your whole story is probably fucked.
Of course I am talking about the weight loss ebook, sweets. Of course I am. I know all about it. I have lost weight lots of times. I just don’t give a shit how it happens. That’s the attraction. But the weight loss ebook is at a stall. People can’t always stick to a diet. They cheat. No regrets. It’s actually more fun to cheat than diet, forbidden fruit and all. Does anyone really like fruit that is not forbidden? I don’t. Who wants to diet? It’s boring and familiar and uncomfortable and it makes you think about the food you are not eating all the time. So you cheat. It means you’re human. And how on earth could you have resisted? It looked delicious and it was awesome. And if nobody sees or knows, nobody gets hurt. It’s just food and you can start the whole cycle all over again tomorrow. Right? But with fiber. More fiber.
What happens to the people you know when you write what you know? Are they supposed to already know?
“Rely on your good luck to pull you out of difficult situations, KAT. This is one of those days when you can launch yourself headfirst without worrying too much about the outcome. There is a great deal of positive energy on your side that you may not even be able to see at this time. Trust that whatever you undertake will work out fortuitously for you in the long run.”—You guys. I know. Enough with the horoscopes. But I love this one. It’s like my daily recklessness(carelessness? no, right?) is not only ALLOWED but ENCOURAGED. And positive energy? What the what? Fortuitousness in the long run? I am more used to my undertakings resulting in superfuckedness. Don’t hate me because I am eloquent. Gotta go launch headfirst into some serious shit with my positive energy! xoxoxoxo
#1 I found out yesterday that my main job isn’t paying until the middle of the month in March. That means almost 6 weeks no pay, which wasn’t really enough to begin with. SO, I took a job today to write an ebook in 3 days. It’s not life or death, but the money? Accepting this little money for this much time and effort is so obviously desperate. It’s bullshit money. And I have to do it. Plus, I get an ebook in my portfolio (the my stuff folder on my desktop)? Right. Not consolation.
#2 Speaking of shit money. My landlord still hasn’t come to fix my leaky sink. I found out my upstairs neighbor who has two floors and a deck pays about- this is not my usual exaggeration- like one quarter of my gas bill. My bill this month? $272 for heat that never ever ever goes over 60. That’s why all of my pictures have this weird print on them. I keep a comforter on my couch all the time. An old one from my parents. It’s so ugly. Anyway. Her bill? Like $70. What.The.Fuck. So, I call to get on the budget plan which estimates for the year’s use. I know you already knew that, but it is what kills me. MY MONTHLY BUDGET AMOUNT IS $167. Are you fucking kidding me?
#3 It’s cold as shit out. I know it’s getting warmer tomorrow, but it was 22 degrees this morning. I am super bitter because my dad just called (they are getting me a t-shirt! nice, for real) and he is at the pool at spring training in Clearwater. At 5 o’clock, still hot enough to be at the pool. It’s really bugging me because, see #2 and because my husky dog who loves this weather, was panting after like a block. It makes no sense and I am very worried. So I have to run a certain route tomorrow which will take forever and put a test fee on my credit card to give the vet a sample I promised them last week because they won’t do anything else until I get that done. Fuck me. #3.5 That crap run-on sentence makes me bitter too.
#4 I am very very tired and do not feel like doing anything that requires getting up and seeing people. That doesn’t work at all because I have to walk the dogs and cook because there are no leftovers for any of us tonight. Shit.
#5 Life stuff. I would love to go out and just have a good night out. That should be a perk of working this hard. But choosing to do this kind of work and have the schedule I do (sleep notwithstanding) means I almost never have the time to go out. And when I do, it never coincides with when i have the money. Is it wrong to wish I had a husband or BF (or wife! i am too tired to care) so they could pay for my ass on days like this? So I could go out to eat (quickly!) and get the dogs like a quick steak and sweet potato? I don’t think it is. I would do everything else and pay them back in the short term with all kinds of nasty stuff and in the long term with taking my turn to pay all the time too! I already pay all the bills. Bonus! You know when things get overwhelming, sharing responsibilities and frustrations, etc. would help. But I am a cold cold unlovable person who is very selfish right now, in case that wasn’t totally obvious from all of my problems.
I think that is all, but I can feel #6 coming in terms of who I see out, who responds to my emails (the work ones) and whatever else happens tonight in the next 2 hours. Ugh, I hope I don’t see anyone, I see myself speaking in those run-on sentences just to fill voids and keep moving. Also, the drugstore is evidently closed and I am out of everything. You know what I mean, right?
“You should be feeling especially warm and loving today, KAT, and therefore romance is very much on your mind. Time spent with a love partner from a distant state or foreign country might seem especially appealing. This is a great day to schedule an intimate evening alone with your friend, and see where it takes you. All signs are that your friend reciprocates your feelings, and therefore you might end up just where you want!”—
So, friend. Seriously? I totally knew it (I so did not). This recently happened to me and I was so surprised that my secret thing was also a thing that I backed the heck up. Something was said (a few things) that in person I would have laughed off or taken home with me. But it was clear, so I ran ran ran ran away. So stupid, right? But it’s one of those things that is not supposed to be a thing.
So I think instead I should focus on spending my time with a partner from a distant state or foreign country. But wait. Nuh to the uh. I have been down that road. It was long, windy, bloody and a big freaking mess.
So, other intimate friend that is not from too far away nor too not allowed, would you like to come and share my intimate evening? Sounds good, because romance is very much on my mind. NOW THAT MY HOROSCOPE TOLD ME IT WAS. Maybe I should just concentrate on being warm and loving in general. Because that is obviously so me you stupid horoscoping piece of shit that makes me think about this stuff.
I have a huge problem taking days off from running. I still am out like 3 hours a day with the dogs, and now everyone is running. I think it is spring/Broad Street because on a normal morning this cold (22 when I left a little before 7) I see a couple hard core people (still jealous because they are hard core) and maybe some at lunch and dinner. But this morning? EVERYWHERE people were running. I nearly killed myself with the last two runs and I am increasing distance a little every run to keep my time up. So, I had no choice but to take a break. I still did kickboxing and the pushup challenge. But as the day gets warmer and I start getting work done, I am thinking I could do a little something at lunch. Or take a short dinner walk with the dogs and then run. I always haul ass during those night runs, I think, so reminiscing about when I used to do that (Sunday night).
I already envy people who are faster and have cute/functional clothes. Also, anyone skinnier and slower because what are those jerks doing that I am not? But I seriously stare at people and their form and then try and change my posture next time because theirs looks right. Or I like their ability to rock a headband without it feeling like a woolly weight on their skulls. I tried yesterday again and ended up with it around my neck. So not comfortable.
And then there is Trixie. I played ball with her until she was panting and escaped to lay down away from me. But I still feel like on non-running days she is going to go crazy, drive me crazy trying to work, or both. Which she did yesterday anyway. So, it’s totally illogical all around. And I am still totally tired from head to toe and really hurting in a couple spots. The pain and tired don’t quell the thoughts. But the race! It’s coming! It’s one of the biggest and most popular of its kind in the country! It sold out in 5 hours! My sister and her friends (and my running friend) are all so young and strong and fast! I was so slow in the Philly marathon (half) that I am embarrassed people might have seen how slow and be laughing inside at how long they think it will take me. (srsly- like people do that much thinking about me) What if all 24, 999+ people pass me? OMG. And who is going to clean my house when I can’t lift my arms or my legs just can’t stand anymore that day? The vacuum is so heavy. But I have to do real paying work every minute I am awake to make up for training time outside. What if everything?
See? It’s crazy the pressure I feel while still knowing my biggest and strongest opponent is always my head. Maybe if I could just chill the fuck out, I would be fine. But if I could naturally chill the fuck out, I wouldn’t need to run like I do. Endless circles.
This is my horoscope for today. It is a little off....OR IS IT?
Romance is in the air today, Kat, filtering your vision with a rosy-hued light. You are in love with the world today, and most especially in love with your partner. If you do not already have a partner, you may meet him or her today. And since you never know when or where, make sure to keep yourself looking your best throughout the day.
1. Can anyone else tell I got up early to work and run (after finishing other writing and submitting at midnight) and my work site is down?
2. Can we talk about this? Does anyone believe this stuff? Okay, maybe I am a little in love with my work being down, but that is not lasting romance (like at pay time, or when it is up and I am killing myself to get to the limit of my hours).
3. What does it mean to look my best? I ran way too hard for it to mean shoes of any fanciness and I killed my back and abs getting ready (still) for the pushup challenge….I showered! My hair is almost clean-ish! But I did dry it.
4. Should I change my schedule to best situate myself for this meeting? Because I think I already missed brunch (can you meet straight guys at lunch, anyway? doubtful). So where would that mean situating myself anyway?
5. Am I correct in assuming this does not mean my running partner? Because sometimes I think they justify these prediction things by twisting them to fit. Like I already met my running partner today (because she was smashed against me when I woke up) so my horoscope is right? Cause if so, I might as well resign myself to partnering with four-legged beings. Don’t be gross, okay? You know what I mean.
6. Is it weird that the part of me seeing things rosey-hued is kind of right? Is it the drugs? j/k No clue why, but I have been feeling optimistic about a lot of things. Which is so not me. I think it is the endorphins…
7. K, Philosophical question, get ready. Is it possible that some people have no partners, in the sense we would assume this horoscope to mean? I feel unparnterable most of the time. I don’t think I am self-absorbed, or a bitter old maid. I was just told I was kind of amazing the other day by a guy and I was like, whatever. Because great, I am amazing. What does that do for me? (Tell you what it did for him ;) Besides make me a bitch for thinking like that? I still have to do everything for myself and work or think about working 24/7. Is it just because I am trying so hard to survive and thrive that I am not my best self a.k.a. the one that would deserve someone else? Or is it this future me might be parnterable? Or has that ship sailed? Because if my flaws are slowing me down, pretty sure they are not going to get gone, just more manageable…..
I have a problem listening to Pitbull while I workout. Most of his songs are ridiculously funny and have amazing beats and the almost comical Latin flavor (come on- this image?). I am confessing here, so don’t hate too hard, kay?
As a general rule I try not to be judgmental. As far back as my super conservative religious high school, I knew when they put “born and unborn” at the end of the pledge of allegiance, it wasn’t right. I didn’t at the time think I wanted to kill babies and shit, I just knew it was wrong to say what other people should do in those situations. Plus, I loved telling those nuns about my First Amendment right NOT to say it. Anyway, since some enlightened teen years, I really try not to judge and I usually succeed.
But I am not at 100% in my not judging and it always almost literally bites me in the ass. Example-for the dogs, I like to see what other people do and what works for them. But at some level have always judged people’s food choices, discipline and walking. My thinking? Good food, exercise, unconditional love and positive reinforcement are all you need for a good dog. Don’t get me wrong, I think my 12.5 year old going 5 miles a day is totally testament to my beliefs on exercise and food. BUT, I now have a dog with issues, she might even be a DINOS dog! She is super anxious, strong like a bull and in LOVE or HATE or just plain scared of everything. I now look like an idiot sometimes balancing them on the leash in the city and trying to apologize to passersby like a fucking idiot. I judged and now I can be judged and that sucks.
Example- I used to love money and only drove European cars. Silly people worked hard for no money. How could they love that? So I did everything and spent everything, lived way harder than anyone should. And what happened? Karma. I totaled my car, nearly died and lost everything. On the real, I am so much happier broke and doing good for me, my animals, others, including the zillion hours I spend doing crap for which I get occasional money for food/rent. (For me, the dogs are always fed of course. :) But the point is, I am in their place and I hate people like I was. Judgey McJudgester is no fun and was a real bitch.
ANYWAY. My television choices are pretty broad, I just don’t watch dating shows, cooking shows, animated shows or dancing/talent bullshit (seriously, that leaves EVERYTHING ELSE). Never have, never will. Can’t. The worst one by which I have always been so morally outraged is The Bachelor. The girls are so desperate for guys who are not that great (BEN? Srsly?). I mean these guys are not usually that good-looking (not even ONE has been attractive to me). And they all have like no job or personality or anything. But the girls, they are gorgeous and hot and educated. And they fall in love over night (hello, i can’t commit to anything past this afternoon) and they hate each other and are all so full of shit. The neediness kills me. Also that they forget they are on TV or are just whores on camera. It disgusts me and never works out. (Don’t trista and Ryan me. There have been how many versions of both the bachelor and the bachelorette? I think it ‘s like 20 or something. So big freaking deal one couple worked out.)
Last night, I had the longest most detailed dream that I WAS THE NEXT BACHELORETTE. They paid me a bunch of cash which I needed and I said yes. Strangely, the Bachelor was happening in the next ranch-type mansion over. And I was having so much fun! Everyone was so AWESOME! And even the Bachelor’s girls were so sweet. (Probably because I was in a house of dudes) And the Bachelor himself! He was a little insecure and charming. But the guys for me were all so chivalrous. And they were so happy to see me all the time. AND they were paying me to eat and drink with these guys and make them do tricks for me? And compete for me? And beat each other up? It was so awesome.
Then it was like the magic potion wore off and I started remembering that they do all the lying and go in that confessional and tell that all this means nothing. And what did the guys say to each other? They were all trying to make out with me, which was cute, then sooooo gross, especially after I saw MY guys hanging out with the sluts trying to get on the dude next door. Chris Harrison was like a manipulative, insulting asshole who was so mean to me and kept talking about managing my issues.
So, I saw the draw, how people can be fooled into doing it and how it might start out like fun and everyone is so in love with love. Then by the time shit starts getting REAL, you can’t go anywhere. And it’s all a contract that you have to go through it and then wait months silently and WATCH IT AGAIN. So, okay, I always did like Ali (do not get me started on Ashley, who I might think of as poor Ashley now?) and maybe now I get her a little more.
Point being, even my little judgments on people I will never meet come back to hit me in the middle of the night after a week where I exercised VERY questionable judgment involving a guy-type thing. I get wanting someone to like or love you, but you can’t act like that and think THIS TIME it will work out when you are being pathetic or slutty. (Although fun can be had, of course ;) I couldn’t fall back to sleep for so long, it was so real. Cut to now. Back to cynical love disbeliever on this end. And maybe for the idiots on the Bachelor, at least some (few) of them have the balls to try and be vulnerable where my ability to do so is long gone. Let’s never mention this again, k?