In some ways it sucked hard. I haven’t said much about it, but I have gone about 2 months without being paid. I generally get paid once a month from my big job where I am a contractor and weekly by my writing jobs. My May hours were messed up and by the time they were fixed and approved by me and the company- it was too late to put them in any of this month’s check periods. So they decided to just take the month off from paying me. Awesome, right? And the main editor I freelance for has had a family emergency with a severely injured child and has been mostly MIA. My regular column has a new system and it’s delaying payment because of a new views and basic rate scale. Basically the perfect storm of beyond broke. I kind of freaked out a little, but it is all beyond my control and I am not real pretty or productive as a basket case„ you know?
Now my ankle has left me pretty immobile, or rather mobile with a lot of pain. I am not a baby, I’ve broken everything and this is bad. Anyway, just a bad month for me not being able to run going on 2 weeks. But the dogs have been covered and I have food. So no one was dying, but I spent a lot of time alone and working. And I am strangely okay with it. I definitely had moments of stress and panic, but had absolutely run out of options. Anyway, as of the 30th, it should all be coming in. Probably all the same day with my luck.
Back to the month +, it was seriously meditative. I miss being out, but I spent years doing things 7 nights a week and literally nearly killing myself. Finding peace by myself was never a goal and mostly something I feared more than anything. Funny to say I nearly died three times and I was more afraid of staying home at night by myself. I am not ever jealous of people out and getting stupid. Not people my age. I did everything they do and way more. And that is nothing I am proud of. I am more proud that no one in my life now sees me like that. Sometimes it feels weird like I am trying to seem like something I am not.
As it turns out, I am this person now. I don’t hide my past and I have crazy, like seriously batshit fucking insane stories about parties and nights and guys to fill any conversation or book for that matter. This month I realized I’ve put it behind me. The constant need to be out and numb is gone and I am pretty even tempered. I still panic sometimes when someone makes a joke that would normally be harmless- like “that’s not what I heard.” I think the jig is up. But deep down I know I am not that person anymore and if people learn something about me back then, maybe it will just help them see who I am now even more clearly? Not sure but although it gives me pause, I am kind of brutally honest about my past and not as scared as I used to be. And the people closest to me know enough and I will tell them anything to keep them from getting to the points I did, unconscious for days with a head injury and almost anything of value gone forever. It’s like I learned all the lessons, but now it feels like I saw someone else doing it all-it’s become very out of body.
Anyway, these 2 months. They were rough but I got to a kind of calm. I watched a shitload of Breaking Bad (they have way bigger problems! but tons of $$!) with lots of sympathetic drug withdrawal. And in about 5 days starts the month of ME! It’s not going to be crazy (the whole time) but it will be me and the people I like who supported me and hung out with what I thought was a pretty stunted version of me this month. And not the people who tried to take advantage of me and act like I needed their attention and pity. And if I somehow owe you $5, I will give it to you as soon as I can and that will be all. Not my time or any of my month. It’s never okay to take advantage of perceived weakness. It’s insulting and selfish. Underestimating me means you just weren’t listening for the last 10 years much less 6 weeks. Join me if you can! It’s all on ME! XOXOXO k